I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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