One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
