i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
