i was born a porn star she said
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
