So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
