My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
