if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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