At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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