the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
