Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
