I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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