It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
