No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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