I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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