i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
false alarm, still single
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
