i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
