that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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