If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
