Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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