When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
