true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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