How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
