I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Rumble strips road head = magical
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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