The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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