She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
