have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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