can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
tell me about the fingering
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