There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
