ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
