I got chris browned last night
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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