I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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