i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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