She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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