The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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