so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
