I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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