if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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