I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
