I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
