guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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