Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
