Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
