Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
