how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
