Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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