You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
