my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
