I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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