sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
