My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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