the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
