If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
