The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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